Welcome to Brainwash University
Welcome to Brainwash University by John Hunt, MD – International Man
Welcome to all you first-years matriculating next month at our beautiful campus in the lovely town of Brainwash, Massachusetts. We used to call you “Freshmen”, but we can’t say that anymore without triggering. And “Fresh-NonGenderBinary” is too hard to write and likely a passing phase, despite the state of Maine now using it on driver’s licenses.
To protect you from being called a freshman (and other offenses), we are building Safe Spaces as fast as we can. Be assured that no faculty member of this University will keep their job if you choose to take offense at anything they do or say. At Brainwash University, you have the right to not be offended.
We have worked to assure that the federal government will provide you whatever loans you may desire to pay for your four-year experience here. This increasing flow of credit (and debt) is important as it helps us to raise our tuition each year. Fear not your debt! Remember, they just print the money, so it costs the government nothing. And when you graduate, you may choose to pay off your debt to the government by spending 6-10 years working in government or military roles doing whatever the politicians want you to do. Easy.
But before your indentured servitude starts, you will enjoy your years here at Brainwash U. You will soon be choosing your field of focus from among our vast array of majors, and a faculty that will fiddle, fill and finagle your impressionable minds.
We are proud of our first in the nation Department of Peace. This new department is dedicated to social justice accomplished by whatever means are necessary. In this major you will learn how to solve perceived problems by using government force. The two highest-rated classes in the department focus on how our students can effectively deny or defend against any suggestion that might trigger introspection. These two wonderful classes are Intro to Denial and Defensiveness (DP-1984), and Advanced Denial and Defensiveness (DP-1984a). The Advanced class builds on each student’s ability to attack anyone who criticizes anything they have been taught. As these skills are so important for graduates of Brainwash University to excel at, the faculty board has declared that both classes are now mandatory for all freshpeople. The Denial and Defensiveness curriculum is posed to become its own major next year.